Tusk Talk with Tusk Harper

Dear Tusk,

It's that time of year and I just don't feel merry or grateful for everything I have. Perhaps it's because of the election but I am sad that I'm not my usual hopeful self. How can I get out of this funk?

From: Scrooge in Schenectady

Dear Scrooge,

Fear not, kind sir (or madam)! We are a nation that endures and strengthens. As for your personal feelings, not every year will be a banner one. But it's that uniquely American spirit that will let you lace your boots up and rebound in 2009. You were placed on this earth - and in this country - to do great things. Instead of worrying that you're not meeting those goals, just go out and strive to make the world a better place.

Dear Tusk,

I have been a proud member of the Republican party for almost 15 years and I've never seen the party holding such a minority. What happened to our complete grip on power? What's next?

From: Humbled in Haverstraw

Dear Humbled:

Dwelling on the past won't get us anywhere. Let's focus on our core principles as a party and our message will spread - this country is used to a conservative government and the next two years will be a shock to the system. We have a great group of leaders who can lead us back to greatness. Governors Pawlenty, Jindal, Sanford, Palin and Crist are just the tip of the iceberg. Let's talk up our elected officials at the next holiday dinner table.

Questions? Write Tusk at tuskharper@yahoo.com.

Tusk Talk with Tusk Harper

Dear Tusk,

I consider myself to be a very fair, loyal employee. While most people see me and immediately think of my former employer, I’ve been completely shocked by the complete cold shoulder that some of my old coworkers have shown me since I came public with some constructive criticism of the company’s practices and personalities. Is there something I’m missing?

From: Hopeless on Houston St.

Dear Hopeless,

It seems to me like you may have bitten off more than you can chew. Unless you are disclosing illegal or unethical behavior, nobody likes a snitch. Even fewer people respect former employees who stand up to criticize after-the-fact, particularly with a holier-than-thou attitude. My instinct tells me that you may not have been such a great steward for your former company after all, and then you have nobody to blame but yourself.

Dear Tusk,

My girlfriend and I have been together for the past three years. I have been thinking about marrying her until we last week when we had a discussion about whether or not she would have an abortion. She said that if a pregnancy was not planned she would consider it and that goes against my values. Can she still be the one?

From: Pro-Life in Poughkeepsie

Dear Pro-Life,

I applaud your strong sense of values and can understand your concerns. However, why did it take three years to first have this conversation? By that point you should have known her deepest feelings and this topic would not have been so surprising to you. Your worry has merit except for one fact – you’ve been together for so long that, if things were to progress, within two years this won’t be an issue. I would look deep inside and ask yourself whether her stance on abortion is truly the area of anxiety or whether there is something greater. If you both agreed on the life issue, would she have a ring on her finger? If the answer is yes, then start saving your money. If the answer is no, then you should sort out your relationship priorities and determine whether she truly is the one for you. Be careful of making this issue the scapegoat, though.

Questions? Write Tusk at tuskharper@yahoo.com.

Tusk Talk with Tusk Harper

Dear Tusk,

I need help. Just a few months ago it felt like everyone loved me, and yet I've become the butt of jokes. It might be related to my tendency to go on power trips, or perhaps my gigantic ego, but I think it has something to do with my tendency to pay for intimate evenings with women other than my wife. What should I do?

From: Easy on the East Side

Dear Easy,

You seem to be in a bit of a pickle, but in all honesty I think it's of your own creation. It doesn't feel so good to be publicly steam-rolled, huh? You need to face facts: you will drop out of the spotlight in shame and your career (and life) has been altered. Plot comebacks all you want, but the people of New York state have been paying for a lot more than a fun night since you took office.

Dear Tusk,

My roommate is a horrible snorer. I can barely get two hours' sleep some nights. Short of physical violence, which is quickly becoming an attractive option, what can I do to get some badly needed REM shut eye?

Sleepless in Sleepy Hollow

Dear Sleepless,

It's fascinating how the people who snore the loudest also happen to be the ones who fall asleep the quickest. I have had many situations where I have been tempted to take my pillow and smother the snorer next to me, but that would be uncivilized. (Besides, Tusk Talk does not condone homicide.) My recommendation would be one of two things: either find a new roommate or encourage him to buy those adhesive things to stick on his nose to limit the snoring. If all else fails, perhaps you should invest in some sleep medication for yourself. (But Tusk Talk also does not condone sleeping medication addiction.) Go count some sheep!

Questions? Write Tusk at tuskharper@yahoo.com.

Tusk Talk With Tusk Harper

Our dear friend, Tusk Harper, has informed the GOPyr that he is on holiday this month (in Aruba, in case you were wondering), and unfortunately will not be gracing our pages with the wisdom and wit that we have all grown to love.

However, he did tell us that he and his counsel will be back in March, a bit more sage--and a little tanner.

Questions? Write Tusk at tuskharper@yahoo.com.

Tusk Talk with Tusk Harper

Dear Tusk,

All of my friends are Republicans. The last time I was amicable with a Democrat was in high school and she moved to Berkeley. Is it OK that I only associate with like-minded individuals, or am I constantly in a “spin zone?”

From: One Sided in Oneida

Dear One Sided,

You need to ask yourself some questions: why is it that you only associate with Republicans? Is it because, geographically, you can’t meet any Democrats or is it because you choose not to? Do you find that you get frustrated easily in debates? It is completely understandable that you do not want to waste conversation with some hippie from Berkeley, but the larger issue is determining whether you are specifically looking for liberal acquaintances or if you feel guilty that you “have to” have these friends. As long as you are secure in your own values, you shouldn’t have to worry about who you associate with.

Dear Tusk,

I am concerned about my weight. Doctors tell me to eat salad but I crave steak. I still live at home with my mother and she feeds me enough pasta for an army. Are there any good meals to eat? Help!

From: Dieting in Delmar

Dear Dieting,

Weight loss programs are often a hoax. Don’t believe all of the hype of avoiding carbohydrates while gorging on bacon and ricotta cheese. At the same time, be aware of portion control and try to stop yourself from taking that second helping. I am not a doctor, but I think that the McRib sandwich is small enough to meet your one-course requirement while also satisfying the primal urges for taste with a hint of mystery. It’s a meal worth driving two hours for.

Tusk Talk with Tusk Harper

Dear Tusk,

I am seriously considering supporting Barack Obama for President. Is that wrong?

From: Fuhklempt in Fulton

Dear Fuhklempt,

Oy, what a shandeh! Supporting Mr. Obama is a terrible idea! While I certainly understand the feeling of wanting a fresh, young, good looking candidate, I urge you to do your research. Is America’s best foreign policy one in which we embrace those who hate us? Is a state Senate position a good training ground for the Presidency? Should he be revered for only passing one bill into law during the 109th Congress? The choice is yours.

Dear Tusk,

This is the time of year for serious reflection. What are you, personally, thankful for this holiday season?

From: Curious in Canarsie

Dear Curious,

There is so much to be thankful for; it’s almost hard to know where to begin. First, I am so grateful for the consistent support that everyone at the New York State Young Republicans has given me – I may not make it to all of the events but my heart is there. I am happy to have found a good niche in the Bronx and hope to stay here for awhile. I love my family back home – my “herd” as I like to call them. Finally, I am thankful that the Almighty has blessed me with the ability to write “Tusk Talk” each edition, and for you reading it. Have a wonderful holiday season!

Have a question? Write Tusk Harper at tuskharper@yahoo.com.

Tusk Talk with Tusk Harper

Dear Tusk, There is a cute intern working at my office. What are the rules for me asking her out? Is that still taboo? How should I open a set with her? There is a 10 year age difference, but because I am demonstrating higher value, she is flirtatious and friendly with me. From: Interested in Islip

Dear Interested,

Interns … where have I heard this story before? Your situation is one that poses many moral questions. There’s quite an age difference there but what you need to ask is: how appropriate is it to date someone at a significant age and maturity difference? If you have no qualms about the dating, then my suggestion is to begin your set with asking if she saw the fight outside over some guy named George.

Dear Tusk, Love your column! It’s been than Ann Landers and “Dear Abby” combined. What are you planning on dressing up as for Halloween? Any great conservative costume ideas you can recommend? Thanks as always! From: Dressing Up in the Garment District

Dear Dressing,

Thanks for the kind words. I’m of the belief that Halloween is not a holiday that good-natured Christians should partake in. However, I understand its mainstream significance. Costume shopping for a woman is difficult; you can’t dress up without looking like you belong on the street. If you’re a man, might I suggest dressing up as the 40th President of the United States, the Great Communicator himself, Ronald Reagan? Your friends would love to win one for the Gipper. Just be safe and be the same person you are on Saturday night as you are on Sunday morning.

Have a question? Write to Tusk at tuskharper@yahoo.com.

Tusk Talk

with Tusk Harper

Dear Tusk,

I think my dog is a Democrat. He always seems to go around the neighborhood, giving all of the other pets the bones that I give him. Let’s face it: I work hard to make money to buy Sir Mortimus the bones, and yet he prances around giving it away like these other pooches are entitled. How do I teach my dog to avoid the entitlement mindset?

From: Flippin’ in Fulton

Dear Flippin’,

Ah, here we go again: the old liberal vs. conservative, dog vs. cat debate. Call me overly optimistic or simple, but I genuinely believe that every pooch placed on this planet has the right to the pursuit of his or her own happiness. Freedom, treats, and belly rubs are not just for humans. I suggest calling a local conservative dog trainer and allowing this person to use gentle force in training Sir Mortimus that we can never be free if we’re giving hand-outs to some poodle from across the border. Worst case scenario: you can always build a fence.

Dear Tusk,

My Republican friends always seem to make fun of me for loving the song “Don’t Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow).” Is it heresy to be a Fleetwood Mac fan?

From: Rocker in Rochester

Dear Rocker,

There are many “rumours” about whether or not Republicans should listen to hippie music. I, personally, don’t think it is such a dire situation that a “landslide” will bring you down. However, I think such notions are but a “mirage.” Take it from Tusk – you’re better off listening to Fleetwood Mac than you are listening to that “black magic woman” Celine Dion.

Have a question? Write to Tusk at tuskharper@yahoo.com

Tusk Talk

with Tusk Harper

Dear Tusk,

After changing jobs a few months ago, I find myself spending a lot more time at home now. I get so frustrated with all of the trash on television these days. Where can I find some good, wholesome, conservative shows?

From: Questioning in Queens

Dear Questioning,

I understand your dilemma. Touched by an Angel is no longer on so parents should turn off their televisions whenever a child is in the room. What are the options? American Idol teaches people that pessimism is fun, Desperate Housewives continues its risqué romp, and anything on VH1 nowadays is just trashy. Perhaps the Spelling Bee could save our society from ruin – anything hosted by Joey Fatone is sure to be a success.

Dear Tusk,

Who are you supporting for President?

From: Curious in Chappaqua

Dear Curious,

Tusk Talk does not make formal endorsements in presidential primaries. One thing is for certain, though: I’m certainly not voting for the person hailing from your home town.

Have a question? Ask Tusk at tuskharper@yahoo.com.