Tusk Talk with Tusk Harper

Dear Tusk,

I need help. Just a few months ago it felt like everyone loved me, and yet I've become the butt of jokes. It might be related to my tendency to go on power trips, or perhaps my gigantic ego, but I think it has something to do with my tendency to pay for intimate evenings with women other than my wife. What should I do?

From: Easy on the East Side

Dear Easy,

You seem to be in a bit of a pickle, but in all honesty I think it's of your own creation. It doesn't feel so good to be publicly steam-rolled, huh? You need to face facts: you will drop out of the spotlight in shame and your career (and life) has been altered. Plot comebacks all you want, but the people of New York state have been paying for a lot more than a fun night since you took office.

Dear Tusk,

My roommate is a horrible snorer. I can barely get two hours' sleep some nights. Short of physical violence, which is quickly becoming an attractive option, what can I do to get some badly needed REM shut eye?

Sleepless in Sleepy Hollow

Dear Sleepless,

It's fascinating how the people who snore the loudest also happen to be the ones who fall asleep the quickest. I have had many situations where I have been tempted to take my pillow and smother the snorer next to me, but that would be uncivilized. (Besides, Tusk Talk does not condone homicide.) My recommendation would be one of two things: either find a new roommate or encourage him to buy those adhesive things to stick on his nose to limit the snoring. If all else fails, perhaps you should invest in some sleep medication for yourself. (But Tusk Talk also does not condone sleeping medication addiction.) Go count some sheep!

Questions? Write Tusk at tuskharper@yahoo.com.